Love & Honor Your Wife
Introduction and Work on Yourself!

 

199 Ideas and Suggestions to Honor and Love Your Wife!

(contents copyright Robert James Vickers. Print out and duplication permission is granted if utilized at no charge.)

This is a working draft of a document that will never be finished because the work will never be completed. When we got married, we publicly chose to love and honor our wives and engaged in a 99-year plan to accomplish “it.”

What is “it?” "It" is our individual promise, made in front of “God and all these witnesses,” to love, honor and cherish the woman that we said “I do” to. But few men have taught or adequately demonstrated how to do it. After all, we provided for our family, protected them and frequently told them that we love them. Yet, loving and honoring our wife and children were far from what we were doing.

This is a working attempt to relate some of the ideas of how to love and honor our respective wives that we have found to work in our situations. We want to share our efforts at doing it in hopes of helping others make progress in their journey, as well. We want to help men learn new ideas how to honor and love their wife.

This is not a checklist-type instructional book. We don’t advocate that you try to do everything. It is designed to help you think about the way you show love and honor to your wife. If you already are successful in this area, congratulations! Research shows, however, that you are among a minority of men who know how to and do, honor and love their wives. You can think of this book as a way to provide some additional ideas that you might consider to make something great…even greater.

However, if you truly desire to love and honor your wife, this book provides some simple, basic, mostly common-sense ideas and suggestions to begin the process of changing your heart. The goal is to change the heart--it is not good enough to do things of honor for/to your wife and that is not what we are saying at all. It’s about being honorable for/to your wife. The transformation, in our opinion, is in the acts of love and honor that we choose to do because she is our wife, regardless of feelings or emotions. We choose fact over feeling because we made that commitment on the day we were married—and suspect you did, too. It’s also about balance. We must learn to love and honor our wife through all of the interactions we have with her or with others concerning her! There are several unique features about this book. 1) Brevity. It is written for you to spend a few minutes at a time to work on behavior and the transformation of your heart.

2) It provides an explanation after each of the ideas or suggestions. Some, however, cannot be explained…just do them. We know that is a bit trite, but men and women don’t think alike and for a man to understand and think like a woman simply isn’t possible.

3) It provides “helps” in the Appendix. Research again tells us that most men truly desire to honor and love their wives, but they haven’t the slightest idea what that means or where to begin. Well, we have tried to help you know what it means and where to begin.

4) It is small enough to carry in your briefcase, Bible, back pocket or wherever! It’s OK to conceal it and read it when no one knows. Keep it handy at all times and become proactive in honoring and loving your wife. It will take you a long time to convince your wife that your change is from your heart and is real, but seek Godly wisdom, seek to be consistent and seek God’s help in loving your wife as Christ loves the church.

Think of the impact that you will have on others as you seek to honor and love this woman; the testimony to your children of love for their mother, other people that you work with, others that your wife works with, neighbors, others from your church and on and on and on. Consequently, it is important for you to start and really mean business!

This book is not intended to be a final authority. Nor is it intended in any way to put down women and their equality in our society, in our relationships and under God. Rather, it is a good-faith effort to help other men love and honor their wives. So, please read the following ideas and suggestions. Don’t try to do all of them at once. Just try to find a few at a time that are new and different and start the work. We pray that you and your wife receive something meaningful from your work. And, as you see the fruit, expand your horizon. Try other ideas and suggestions and share with others.

Then, write us and let us know. Let us know if they work for you or what comments would better empower you to do the work. Also, let us know additional ideas that work for you and we’ll pass them on to help others. So, men, take the challenge of Stephen Covey in Seven Habits of Highly Effective People: “My friend, love is a verb. Love the feeling—is a fruit of love, the verb. So love her… Serve her… Sacrifice… Listen to her… Empathize… Appreciate… Affirm her… Are you willing to do that?”

In Ephesians 5:25, we are told, “Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church.” Following are 199-plus ways to begin the work. Go for it! We have tried to categorize the ideas in a simple way.

As you will find below, we begin with ideas and suggestions for you to work on within yourself. This first area is critical! Please read through the ideas and suggestions carefully and ponder your own situation. Work on them primarily between yourself and God. However, remember, take care of yourself so that you can take care of others. Working on yourself is a lifelong process beginning now and lasting forever. These first ideas are intended to help you do that.

We then turn to ideas and suggestions on how to honor and love your wife through several categories, including:
     Begin By Working on Yourself (posted below. . .)

     Chapter 1: Create and Continually Enhance Meaning and Value for Her Click HERE for this chapter.
     Chapter 2: Encourage Her With Your Words  
Click HERE for this chapter.
     Chapter 3: Give Her Your Undivided Attention  Click HERE for this chapter.
     Chapter 4: Serve Her and Share Responsibilities  
Click HERE for this chapter.
     Chapter 5: Physically Adore, Honor, and Love Her  Click HERE for this chapter.
     Chapter 6: Shower Her With Gifts  Click HERE for this chapter.
     Chapter 7: Just Because You Love Her Click HERE for this chapter. 

The goal of all of this is for you to change your heart toward your wife. Doing these things will not automatically mean you are a great, Godly husband. Rather, taking action and actively loving and honoring your wife is a way to be obedient in your commitment to Christ.

Begin Working on Yourself

Gary Smalley, Tim Sledge, Dr. Russ Hardesty, and Dr. Paul Fitzgerald, among many others, have dedicated their professional lives to helping people “Take care of yourself so that you can then take care of others.” They empower people with the ability to move beyond the pain of their past, confront and embrace themselves and their situations, restore relationships of all types and empower individuals to have fruitful futures. They assist people to encounter God and experience unconditional grace, mercy and love (as well as eternal life).

We believe that you must take care of your own issues in order to be able to engage in the process of loving and honoring your wife or anyone/anything else. Most often, this is a process that is never complete. However, any dysfunction can be addressed and you can learn to deal with your issues.

Therefore, we believe a first step is to work on yourself. Consequently, before looking at the ideas and suggestions on honoring and loving your wife, please spend some time in this section on working on yourself. This, by no means, is a complete list. We simply want to provide a few ideas for you to begin the process and not all will apply for every person! Be realistic and seek to improve yourself. Remember to use a vertical standard and not a horizontal one!

If you want changes, you must make them happen. Most often, however, we can achieve the changes and make them last by beginning within our own hearts, minds and lives.

A.
Ask God for Help.
Ask God to help you deal with your life experiences and straighten them out if need be. Maybe you will need to first meet Him in a personal experience. Maybe you need for Him to help you in a good, old-fashioned cleansing and repentance. Confess sin, repent and seek to walk in newness of His Life.

B.
Continuously Work on Yourself!
This is probably the greatest gift you can give your wife. Do it for her, do it for the kids, do it for yourself or just do it. Get involved in a male accountability group. This shows her that you love her and honor her enough that you want to make some changes in your own life, too. She will probably take the initiative to do the same thing for herself. Appendix G is a list of do’s and don’ts. Read them over and think about them. Then, work on them.
Appendix J is a list of books—Christian and secular—that would serve as a good starting point for you. Many of them are available as a “book on tape.” So if reading is difficult for you, get one on tape.
Appendix H is a list of other resources for you to consider or contact for further information. Most offer books, newsletters or magazines. Many offer marital workshops. Some offer counseling and/or referral services.

C.
Be Responsible for Your Mistakes!
Don’t always make your wife feel like she has made all the mistakes. Accept personal responsibility for your decisions, errors or choices and acknowledge them. Work at learning the following words and practice saying them. Make it a goal to say them every day!
“I’m sorry.” “I was wrong!” “I made a mistake.” “Will you forgive me?” “I love you, sweetheart!” (or honey, love-muffin, etc.)

When you say these things, you must mean them! Then, seek to change. Don’t repeat a wrong or continue making the same mistakes.

D.
Keep Your Word.
If you said you would do something, do it. Write it in your schedule immediately and make it a priority above all others because it is a commitment to your wife and/or family.

E.
Quit Whining!
About money, health, job, being tired, kids’ behavior, etc.

F.
Model Desired Behavior…
…Rather than demand it. Start with honor, love, obedience, patience and submission. Then try honesty, openness, gentleness, service, cleaning, etc. Model these character traits and qualities. You’ll be surprised how your wife and children will pick up on them, begin to practice them and incorporate them into their own lives.

G.
Pray for Wisdom.
Pray for God to give you wisdom, patience and creative abilities to know how to give your wife significant affirmation and encouragement in a way that she understands, needs and desires. He can give you the thoughts, words and abilities to accomplish this, but you must ask Him. Ask Him to make it very clear to you. Ask Him to show you ways that you can understand. But don’t sit around and wait. Just begin to love and honor her NOW!

H.
Check Your Heart’s Motive.
Always ask yourself, “What is my motive, and how can it help give value to my wife?” Discuss your self-evaluation with your wife. Confess your faults and ask for her help. Assure her, however, that you are pursuing help from an accountability person or group in addition to her input. We don’t want to de-emphasize the importance of this one at all. It is important for you to seek to have integrity and pure motives with everyone, not just your wife. However, we are trying to assure you of the importance it has in the marital relationship. A pure motive will be consistent whether she is around or not, she is aware of your behaviors or not, or she is directly benefitting or not. Think about this!

I.
Pray for Discernment.
Pray that God will help you learn how to love her and discern what is important and what is not. Ask Him to help you discern what would be meaningful to your wife. It will take time…but you can learn how. Ask God to restore you to the pure and undefiled love that you once experienced with her (or ask Him to give it like never before).

J.
Develop Integrity.
Integrity infers many traits, including: predictability, reliability, dependability, trust, accountability… Can she predict your responses to a variety of circumstances? Are you consistent and reliable? Can she come to you and depend on you to help her or meet her needs? Are you trustworthy? Do you keep your word? Does your walk match your talk at all times? Work on these things, and periodically ask her for an evaluation.

K.
Distinguish Between What is Important
and What is Urgent…
…And then learn to act proactively. Often we spend an incredible amount of time doing what is urgent and rarely accomplish those things that are important. Be proactive!

L.
Accept Her Love as Given.
1) Love her the way she needs for you to.
2) Accept her love as given.
Both of these are self-denial approaches for you, but they are the most rewarding steps you will ever take in your relationship with your wife. She is not perfect! And, Thank God, she isn’t like you! You were brought together and united to complete each other, not to compete with each other.

M.
Don’t Take Office Frustrations Home.
Even after a long, hard, frustrating day, go home and put on a Hollywood act. It isn’t her fault your day was bad!

N.
Improve the Gift of Yourself that You Give Her.
Read Kent Hughes’ Disciplines of a Godly Man (Appendix J) or another similar book at least twice a year. You take the initiative to ask your pastor, a friend, a bookstore clerk or someone to recommend a good book. Seek to develop a quality quiet time, prayer life and Godly journey.

O.
Be a Responsible Father.
Get up and check on the kids when they cry in the middle of the night, when it is extremely cold to be sure they are covered, when it is stormy to check if they are awake, etc. (Appendix H and Appendix J for parenting books and resources). Children are a gift from God. Be responsible and interested in working with her to receive and respect these precious gifts from Him. And remember, a child’s life, however brief, is a celebration!

P.
Learn to Not Be a Perfectionist.
Expectations can kill a relationship. This is true for friendships, marriages and parenting relationships! Be specific about your needs and be patient when they are unmet. Avoid perfectionism!

Q.
Be Careful with Humor.
A sense of humor is a treasured gift from God. However, learn when the application of a sense of humor is appropriate and when it isn’t. It can be a tremendous release and a blessing, but it can also be an incredible hindrance and even a curse. Learn the difference. However, never joke about her faults, her weight or her family!

R.
Ask for Directions.
When you’re in the car together—and lost—you suggest that you should stop and ask for directions. Then, stop and ask for help. Part of this solution may be to pray for a teachable spirit or a learning spirit. Don’t let pride and arrogance rob you of this sort of exchange with your wife.

S.
Continually Grow Yourself.
Maintain male accountability and growth groups and strong, spiritual male friends that can help you work on areas of your life and hold you accountable. Continually grow.

T.
Pray for Understanding.
Pray that God will show you her needs and how to meet them. You will never totally understand her. The two of you simply are different and think differently! But pray to get a better understanding of her and how you can love and honor her in a meaningful way.

U.
Do Your Own Chores!
Assume responsibility for your share of household chores regardless of how much you work outside of the home! Vacuum, dust, clean the windows, change the sheets, etc. Do your share plus some.

V.
Learn to Say “No” When Asked to Be
Involved in Everything.
Community service, church work or employer-related activities are not bad. However, learn to say “no” to some things in order to spend time with your wife and/or family. Use your family as an excuse and make sure that you express that it is “my decision to keep family time important.” Then, spend the time with your family. OK, this will be hard for some of you, but this applies to golf games, softball, football and other sporting and social events. Learn to honor and respect your wife and family by being balanced in the amount of time you are spending with them.

W.
Wear the Clothes that She Buys You.
Wear the shirts, pants, underwear or socks that she gives you even if they aren’t exactly what you would have picked out.

X.
Learn to Appreciate Her.
Make a list of ways in which you take your wife for granted. Ask her to help you develop the list if you really want to make a serious impression and prepare for change. Then, find different ways to avoid taking her for granted and make the change. Ask her for a generous time allotment to make the changes, but let her know that you will be trying very hard.

Y.
Always Clean Up Before Making Love to Her.
Shower, shave, brush your teeth and/or fix your hair before making love to her. This demonstrates value to her.

Z.
Pray for Appreciativeness
Pray that He will help you love your wife through acts of service and will purify your heart and make your motives pure. Pray that God will empower you and change your heart and spirit to one of being able to truly appreciate her in a loving and Godly way.