Chapter One: Create and Continually Enhance Meaning and Value for Her
(contents copyright Robert James Vickers. Print out and duplication permission is granted if utilized at no charge.)
Loving and honoring our wives is a lifelong process that will be continuously challenging for us. We will be presented with a variety of situations and our challenge, at all times, is to “love and honor her as Christ loved the church.” One of the most important ways we can love and honor her is to consciously create and continually enhance meaning and value for her through our actions, behaviors and words. That means that we must take action and show her that we love her. We must reject the concept that “she already knows how I feel about her.” NO! We must continuously show her, tell her and create situations where she can see and feel it!
Here are a few ideas and suggestions to begin that work:
1.
Pray for God’s Help.
Ask God for ways that your spouse, unique as she is, could benefit from actions and behaviors on your part to create meaning and value for her. Be sensitive to His prodding on what you can do. Earnestly seek His leadership as you express your love to her. Her responses will give clues to you as to further behaviors and actions for you to consider.
2.
Be Faithful to Her.
This should not have to be written, but physically, emotionally, psychologically, relationally, sexually and every other way, be faithful to her! Never look lustfully at another woman—especially when you are with her. When you find yourself looking lustfully at another woman, confess your sin and ask God to forgive you and teach you to be faithful to her and Him. The goal of sexual purity is to discontinue this behavior completely, but especially don’t do it when you are with her. Integrity is from the inside out!
3.
Immediately Acknowledge Her Position.
You don’t have to understand, agree or even think about it. Learn to immediately acknowledge her position! Try to develop the skill of restating your understanding of her position and asking her to clarify your understanding. At first, this will be difficult, but you can learn to do this in a non-defensive way! You can acknowledge her position without understanding it, embracing it or agreeing with it.
4.
Never Humiliate Her.
If she told you she would meet you at the gym to workout with another couple and would bring your things…but forgot your tennis shoes, blow it off. Allow her the opportunity to be human. Don’t humiliate her about it. Regardless of the details, there is never a good enough reason to humiliate her about anything!
5.
Have a Portrait Made.
Make an appointment at the local portrait studio for the two of you. Do it in the middle of the day so you can both get ready for it together. Then make a different time for the family. Frame the pictures and place them in prominent places.
6.
Cooperatively Make Holidays Special.
Extra special! Work together with all members of the family to create extra meaning and value for all holidays throughout the year. Appendix I contains a few suggestions for major holidays and how they could create extra meaning and value for the entire family—but especially your wife!
7.
Make Sure She Sits in the Front Seat.
Arrange for her to sit in the front seat of the car with you. Always arrange with the children that your wife will sit in the front seat when you drive. They can take turns sitting in the middle in front or they can take turns sitting by the window while she sits in the middle. But she will always sit in the front seat of the car!
8.
Learn to Respect Her Space…
…Especially in the kitchen. First, leave her alone when she is in the kitchen unless she clearly invites you to help with dinner, cookies, a cake, etc. Second, learn where she puts the utensils, bowls and other things so you can put them where she keeps them when you’re unloading the dishwasher or helping to put up clean dishes. Finally, never do any major cleaning, rearranging or remodeling in the kitchen without her permission and or assistance! There are other spaces that may be important to her. Learn to respect her space!
9.
Always Make Her a Priority.
Work hard in every situation to show her that she is your highest priority. You must always consider her, her feelings, her opinion, her family, her job or whatever else. You must choose for her to be the single most important person in your life, whether she is actually with you in presence or not!
10.
Guard Her Integrity.
Never tell embarrassing secrets about her to your friends, co- workers, acquaintances or especially to strangers. Don’t talk bad about her to others. Always protect and defend her integrity, even during difficult times.
11.
Accept Who She Is.
Learn to accept her as a gift from God. She isn’t like you—she is unique to her own, unlike any other woman or person in the universe! Accept her just as she is and gently grow with her. Just as she is!
12.
Ask for Help in Honoring Her.
Make a Wife’s Request Page (Appendix F). Ask your wife to choose things from this book that she would appreciate you doing or making a part of your expressions of love toward her. Record them on a sheet of paper and work on those first!
13.
Pray Together.
This may be the hardest step in your marriage. Even Godly couples experience difficulty making this a priority. But it is crucial. Dr. John Trent shares a startling statistic: The divorce rate for our society is 50% (1 out of every 2). When looking at people claiming to be Christians, the divorce rate is exactly the same—50%. However, when looking at couples claiming to be Christians who pray together every day (even so much as a sentence prayer), the divorce rate is much less than 1%. In fact, according to Dr. Trent, it is 1 divorce out of 1,052 marriages. Pray at meals, at bedtime, at church, etc. Pray with her about problems and situations that you are both facing individually, as a couple, with the children and as a family, etc.
14.
Show Gratitude for Her Family of Origin.
Her parents are the people responsible for bringing her into this world and allowing the opportunity for you to be with her. On your wife’s birthday, send a card to them thanking them for having her. Be grateful to them and even suggest times you could be with them. Don’t worry that you’ll never measure up, try to accept them and honor them. Encourage your wife to call them. Encourage her to spend time with them. You should try to spend time with them, also.
15.
Show Gratitude for Your Own Family of Origin.
Deal with your own stuff. Work to heal and move beyond your past. Reconcile relationships with parents, siblings and others. Learn to love, forgive and cherish your family. Work on this as much as possible with someone else to help you and hold you accountable to real change!
16.
Display Her Importance to Others.
Keep two pictures of her in your wallet—one that is more posed and one that is a fun snapshot. Take them out and show them often. Keep it in front of the pictures of your children.
17.
Support Her in Front of the Children.
Whether or not you agree with her position or decisions, support her. Then talk about the differences in private. If you think she has punished them too harshly or not harshly enough, still support her in front of the children. If you come to an agreement that is different than what was said to the children, go to them and say that you cooled off, talked about the situation and this is our decision. Don’t be afraid to admit you made a mistake. Parenting takes two—you and her. Don’t triangulate! And, most importantly, don’t undermine each other or attack each other!
18.
Show Value for People That She Values.
Learn the names of her friends, their husbands’ names, occupations, childrens’ names, etc. and occasionally show an interest in how they are doing. Sometime, out of the clear blue, ask her about one of them. If you run into them at a movie, a restaurant or at the mall, call her friend by name and ask about her husband or kids. Work at making eye contact with your wife’s friend and show a genuine interest in what they are talking about. Ask your wife about them by name sometime. Suggest to your wife that maybe you all could get together and play cards, go out to eat, go for a walk or do something together sometime. Offer to plan it, arrange for a sitter and call her friends. Don’t do this with a motive that is manipulative. It must be done purely to create meaning and value for your wife. If you suggest it and she thinks it’s a good idea but wants to plan it, allow her to do that!
19.
Value Her at Your Office!
Keep a picture of her prominently displayed on your desk, on the wall in your office or someplace at you work. A picture of her…alone! It’s OK to have one of the two of you and one with the children, too, but it is important to have one of her by herself! Also take one of the notes or cards she has given to you previously and set it out on your desk. Don’t hide your love for her. Don’t overlook it or take it for granted. But use your discretion and remember, some things are meant to be kept private between the two of you. You should treasure and respect those things just as much, but don’t share them with others. She may never see these things, but the way you value her when you are apart will be magnified when you are near her.
20.
Take Her Picture and Display It!
Regularly take her picture and hang it in a prominent place in your home. Occasionally, have a special picture made into a puzzle or a poster at a local photo shop. She’ll say “Don’t do it, stop!” But it means alot to her, so do it! Have fun with this one. Take fun pictures of her mowing the lawn, with her mouth full or on the phone. Take her picture often…then, display it!
21.
Be Accessible to Her—Always!
Always let her know how to reach you. Tell her where you will be and when you might be gone. Assure her that if your secretary tells her that you are busy, you will let her know to interrupt you for the call anyway. If you travel, get a pager. Find ways to be accessible to her in case of emergency or otherwise. Explain that you are doing this because you value her and that she is important to you every moment of the day, not just in bed. If you leave your office, even for a short time, let your secretary know where you’re going and with whom just in case your wife calls. If you travel alot or meet with people alot, get in the practice of giving her a copy of your weekly schedule and talk to her about who the names are and why you are meeting with them.
22.
Never Bring Up Her Faults!
NEVER mention her faults or remind her of mistakes—especially in front of others. Don’t even bring them up when you are fighting about an issue. Learn to forgive, work to forget. Learn to create and communicate the value to her. Learn to rebuild and empower her. Learn ways to build her self-esteem or self-confidence. We all have faults and we know them better than anyone. As you seek to forget hers, she’ll have a model to forgive and forget yours. However, use your discretion. There is a place for kind, loving, gentle and open confrontation. Occasionally, there may be some things you want and need to talk to her about. Be gentle and learn to discern how and when to know the difference. Marriage is a container for sanctification and “open rebuke is better than hidden love,” but it must be done lovingly and sensitively. Never hold something against her or punish her for something she said or did. Let it go! Think about the relative importance of piddly things. Don’t jeopardize the atmosphere of the relationship for something that wasn’t important.
23.
Remember Dates!
Always remember dates which are important to her. Simple ones like her birthday, your anniversary, kids’ birthdays, parents’ birthdays, etc. are easier to remember. But you should even remember difficult ones like birthdays or anniversaries of the death of loved ones. Send her a note of encouragement and go out of your way to comfort her on those days, too. Get a calendar and ask her to help you to mark important dates throughout the year. Be responsible and transfer them from one year to the next (Appendix D).
24.
NEVER Bring Up Past Sins.
Seek help from pastoral staff, accountability groups or professional counseling to learn to heal past mistakes and forgive. But don’t ever continuously throw up past mistakes. Let them go! They’ll ruin a relationship fast! Learn to forgive and let them go. Practice forgiving her. Do a word search through the Bible on forgiveness and then apply it to your marital relationship—past, present or future! Be very quick to forgive and let past disappointments go, and don’t bring them up! It doesn’t matter how bad or how small they are. They are all the same size in God’s eyes and we are to forgive as He has forgiven us!
25.
Remember Your Anniversary.
It’s important to her and it should be to you. Make it special! This is the person you are spending your entire life with! Buy her a card and a gift. Make a big deal out of this “holiday.”
26.
Remember Her Birthday.
Before she reminds you it is coming up, remind her that a special day is coming. Make it fun for her! Create a season of celebration and give her a card each day of the week leading up to her birthday. Try to find extra ways to make her birthday special, and don’t do the same thing each year. Be creative and create a celebration that she’ll never forget!
27.
Don’t Ever Compare Her!
Especially to another woman in a negative way. This includes your mother, previous girlfriends, friends or co-workers. You should try to never compare her to another woman even in a positive way. It’s not smart! It’s damaging! Don’t EVER do it!
28.
Repeat Your Wedding Vows Often.
As often as you can, tell her if you had to do it all over again you’d choose her again. Be ready, she may not be quite as sure. Continually promise and reassure her that your love for her and faithfulness to her is “‘til death do us part.” Always come back to the basics: Commitment, communication, conflict resolution and physical touch. Repeat your wedding vows and recommit to the relationship regularly! Write out new vows and have them framed.
29.
Make Difficult Birthdays Special.
Especially 25th, 30th, 40th and 50th birthdays. Every morning during the week prior to her birthday, give her a gift. It doesn’t have to be big and expensive, just make it something special. Then, on the morning of her birthday, give her a poem that you have written for her. In advance, send a request to a list of her friends to remember to call on that special day.
30.
Ask Her to Help You.
Ask her to tell you how she wants and desires to be loved. Seek to love her in that way. Ask her what “quality time” means to her and then seek to create the value for her in that way.
31.
Value the Differences Between You.
Learn to acknowledge, accept and respect the differences in the way that you and your wife think, feel, speak, eat, sleep and care for children and etc. How boring and stale it would be if two people were exactly alike (or even close).
32.
Commit to Something of Importance to Her.
Make a time and/or a financial commitment to do something that means alot to her. Go on a mission trip with the church, volunteer at the school or work for a community organization.
33.
Spend Weekly Family Time!
Make one night a week “family night” to do something as a family. Take turns deciding who will choose what to do that night for this week, what to eat for dinner, etc. Make a chart and post three months at a time on the refrigerator. Even let the younger children feel that their input is valuable…
34.
Eat Together.
Don’t start eating a meal until she sits down. Don’t leave the table until she has finished eating. Don’t eat in front of the television!
35.
Talk About Decisions with Her BEFORE
a Decision is Made.
Always discuss minor issues and major decisions with her prior to making a commitment. Think about alternatives and let her give her input. Be attentive, respectful of her perspective, etc.
36.
Flirt with Her.
Flirt with her in public, at a party or social function. Try to make people think you are acting as if you are in love! Go up to her at a store after she has wandered off and approach her flirting and ask if she is married. Try “Excuse me, ma’am, I’ve been watching you a few minutes and I must say that you are the most beautiful woman in this store….Can I buy you a coke and get to know you?” Try to make the clerk blush! Then, if she says yes, buy her a coke and get to know her better. Let her know you love her even when others are around.
37.
Value the Notes She Gives You.
Keep the notes that she writes you in a file or box or something. Occasionally get them out and read them, telling her again how much they mean to you now more than ever.
38.
Dream Together.
Every couple of months, ask her to spend an hour or two with you just dreaming. Ask her where she wants to travel, if money was not an issue, or what kind of house she would like, etc. Just spend time dreaming, together. Some of the ideas, however, can become long term goals! Write out the dreams and continually update and change them. Learn the art of dreaming and involve her in every aspect of it. Set some goals and occasionally accomplish a “dream.”
39.
Value Valuables!
Go to the local bank and lease a safety deposit box. Put birth certificates, important papers, insurance information, special family photos and keepsakes for the children in it.
40.
Attend a Marital Workshop Together.
Encourage her to attend a marital workshop with you. Take the initiative to find one. Make arrangements. Find childcare. Do it even if your marriage is great! Find ways to receive input and make it better! Purchase a Christian video series and watch it together. Share it with friends. Do this together with another couple, if you both can agree to do so. (See Appendix J for a list of resources and Appendix H for organizations which hold marriage workshops.)
41.
Accept and Treasure Her Love.
Learn to accept the love that she offers in the way that she offers it—no exceptions, modifications or demands! Learn to grow together.
42.
Help Her Make a List of Her Wants and Needs.
Constantly keep it before you. Focus on providing her requests.
43.
Put Your Arm Around Her in Public.
Act like you like her.
44.
Ask Her to Give You Input About You.
Seek her input on areas that pertain to changes in your life. For example, ask her, “Honey, what are three things you would change about me if you could change anything you want?” Don’t be defensive and listen to what she says.
45.
Set Family Goals.
Set some goals and keep a list updated and posted to be seen everyday by everyone. Break down categories to what members of the family must do in order to have a realistic goal accomplished.
46.
Develop Couple-Friends.
Plan at least one night a month to spend with another couple going out and developing a relationship. Play cards, games, dance or just dinner and talk. Try exchanging kids for a weekend. You keep their kids this weekend and then you can go for a couple of days next month.
47.
Share with Her What You are Reading.
Tell her what it is about. Why are you reading it? What key points are you getting out of the book? How can she expect to see it make a difference in you? Talk to her as an intelligent human being. Ask for her input.
48.
Begin a Parenting Care Group.
Once a month, invite other parents over to your house for discussion, exchanging fresh ideas or to help other parents and couples with parenting issues. The purpose is to develop some support network to help care for one another and help each other. Plan some activities together. Utilize each other for babysitting on an evening or a weekend.
49.
Create a Legacy for Your Children.
Share your values in a tangible way. Try pictures in photo albums, yearly portraits down the hallway, journal entries once a month or something. Think of a unique way and make it a priority to record their lives so you can share it with them and their children.
50.
Make a List of Your Wants and Needs.
Give it to her and forget that it ever existed (unless she brings it up). Don’t keep score, either.
51.
Talk About Your Childhood.
Tell your wife and children about your childhood memories. Teach them values and value creation. Help them understand the concept of “heritage” and help them understand theirs (which includes the two of you!). Take them and show them where you and your wife lived when you were growing up, attending school, going to church, etc. Take them to worship in your home church. This is very important!
