Chapter Two: Encourage Her with Your Words

(contents copyright Robert James Vickers. Print out and duplication permission is granted if utilized at no charge.)

Have you ever worked really hard on a project at work and, finally, your boss acknowledges your work and gives you some verbal, public recognition? Do you remember that feeling of appreciation, affirmation and encouragement?
That is precisely what we must do as a husband for our wife. We should appreciate, affirm and encourage our wife in such a way that she feels that sense of worth and value becoming of her.

This section on encouraging words is simply intended to communicate value to your wife in a way she loves and needs—through oral and written communication.

52.
Ask God to Help You.
Ask God to help you know how to encourage her in ways that are meaningful to her.

53.
Begin and End Each Day Assuring
Her of Your Love.
Start every morning, for seven-day stretches, with a different phrase, such as, “Good morning, honey, I love you!” or, “I love you more this morning than yesterday!” Do the same at bedtime. A day hemmed in expressions of love is less likely to unravel.

54.
Send Her Fun Messages of Love.
See the “Candy Bar Ideas” in Appendix C. Make up your own fun ways. Try to reinstill the joy you once shared with her into your relationship again.

55.
Write a List of Reasons Why You Love Her.
Think about it for weeks and try to make at least 25 items that are relevant (See Appendix A). “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways…”

56.
Say “Please” Alot.
Don’t make assumptions. Don’t always take things for granted. Learn to use your words and ask by saying “please”: “Please pass the ketchup.” “Honey, would you please iron my shirt before the meeting in two days.” “Sweetheart, could we sit down and talk about money, please?”

57.
Say “Thank You” More Often.
Think you say it enough? Do it more. Learn how to and regularly practice expressing your appreciation with your words. Every day, find something that she has done and thank her for it!

58.
Be Gentle, But Honest with Her.
Especially about the clothes she is wearing when she asks you what you think. Tell her if her slip is showing, if she has a string hanging from the back of her blouse, something between her teeth, if a hair is out of place, etc. Be gentle and loving about it, but be honest. When something is bothering her and she asks to talk about it, don’t be co-dependent and “take care of her.” Rather, speak the truth in love. Not “speak the truth…love her.” Speak the truth in love.

59.
Say “I Love You” an Awful Lot!
You can never say it too much, if you say it with sincerity. Tell her “I love you” until she is sick of hearing it or blue in the face, whichever comes first. Say it when you feel overwhelmed by your emotions for her. Say it when you don’t feel like saying it. Say it when she expects it. Say it when she doesn’t expect it. Say it when she calls you on the phone. Say it before she leaves for work. Say it after a fight, before a fight, during a fight—Just say it!

60.
Tell Her How Young and Beautiful
She Looks and Is…
…Before she asks, “Honey, how do I look?” But if she does ask before you can say anything, work extra hard to say convincingly, “Honey, you look gorgeous! I love it when your wear that blue dress,” (be sure she has on a blue dress). Or, “You look so nice in that pant-suit!” Be honest, don’t lie! And be very specific about how her dress highlights her hair (or whatever). Find something to compliment her on! But don’t just affirm her beauty on the outside, seek to affirm her beauty on the inside, too. However, if you pour this on too thick, she’ll stop believing you. So work to find the middle ground.

61.
Compliment Her Cooking.
Make very specific comments:  “Honey, these are the best mashed potatoes I have ever eaten!” “This roast is so tender. Wow, you are a marvelous cook!” Compare it to being much “better than mom’s.” Learn to compliment her and tell her such things! However, sincerity is crucial and a necessity. Sometimes, just tell her “Honey, thanks for preparing a good meal” and don’t say how wonderful it was, unless it was! Say what you mean and mean what you say. Just learn to say something positive. Deep down, she knows what the meal tasted like. And if you go on and on about how wonderful it was and she knows it wasn’t, she may tend to doubt your sincerity on other things. This is a tough art and you must work at it!

62.
Be Positive in Talking to Her.
Learn to make positive comments and offer your feedback in a positive way. Usually the things that frustrate us about our spouse are those things that we initially fell in love with them over. For example, if you feel frustrated by the way she talks on the phone to her friends all the time, tell her, “Honey, I admire the way you conduct your friendships. You are very committed to them. And even though it is difficult at times for me, I appreciate the example you set for me to have in my friendships.” Try to change your paradigm or perspective by choice. It will take time to make it habit.

63.
Ask Her to Clarify What She is Saying.
Don’t always assume that you know what she is trying to say. Ask her to clarify it until you can understand. Use a phrase like, “Do I hear you saying…?” “What I hear is this.…Is that accurate?”

64.
Regularly Give Her a List of Reasons
Why “I Love You.”
Don’t photocopy the same list each time. Don’t be repetitive, either. Make it a point to tell her different reasons why you love her. Write them in ink in your own handwriting and make them very personal and special. This is very time-intensive work and will take your undivided attention. Be very specific and personal. Invest in the relationship that you’ll be in for the rest of your life. Not everyone is a writer and that’s OK. But, written expression is very important to a woman. So try to leave a brief note and say a few words. Then, work at developing this art. It is important! Before long, you’ll be more comfortable writing her and she’ll especially appreciate how difficult it must be for you.

65.
Be Thankful and Grateful for Good Times.
Write her a note the morning after you went out, made love or spent time together as a family and let her know how much you appreciate her, love her and are proud of her. Something like, “Honey, last night was wonderful! Thank you for the evening!” Or, “Sweetheart, I am so proud of the way you parent our children. Thank you for sharing that part of you with us! I love you!”

66.
Constantly Write Notes.
Regularly write her a note or a letter telling her how much you love her, appreciate her, are proud of her, support her or something. Write her notes so that SHE KNOWS IT! Be honest, direct and very specific. Again, even if writing comes difficult for you, don’t blow this suggestion off! It will mean even more to her if you do something that appears difficult for you to do. Try to work on it. We keep mentioning the different ways to do this because it is very important and means alot to a woman!

67.
Sing an Answering Machine Message to Her.
If you have an answering machine, call home when you know she is gone and sing a song message to her. Make it something meaningful, such as:  “I just called to say I love you.” “Have I told you lately that I love you.” “I love you more today than yesterday.” Or even, “You are my sunshine!”

68.
Adore Her with Your Words.
Occasionally bow on your knees before her and praise her. Try to start for 30 seconds and work up to three solid minutes. Use phrases like, “You are…” and, “You deserve…” (See Appendix E). Too much? Try it, you’ll know if it means anything to her. If you work hard at reading about loving her and honoring your marriage, it makes sense. (Thanks, Gary Smalley!)

69.
Write Her Notes for Each Day
When She Goes on a Trip.
If she will be gone over the weekend, write her a note for each evening—Friday and Saturday. Place each respective note in a separate envelope with instructions on when to open it. Write her a note of encouragement for her presentation, her visit or her interview. Tell her you are proud of her and support her regardless. Tell her you cannot wait for her to be back home.

70.
Leave Paper Trails of Your Love!
Get in the practice of leaving her simple and brief notes of your love. On her pillow, under the covers, on the bathroom mirror, on her car steering wheel, on the kitchen table, on the front screen-door handle, etc. This will be even more meaningful to her if you have difficulty expressing your love to her in writing because she will know how vulnerable you may feel or how hard it must be for you. Try to learn to write her notes.

71.
Create a Barrage of Encouragement.
Send her friends a letter several weeks prior to her birthday asking them to make a special year for her, without saying you asked them to. Ask them to write, call, send letters or express appreciation to her, etc. Don’t tell her you did it (unless she asks).

72.
Send a Card to Her at the Office
or Place of Work…Even If That is in the Home.
Make it special because she will show it to her friends or co-workers.

73.
Make Her a Unique Card.
Go to a local Hallmark card shop, Wal-Mart or other store (Target, Party Shop, etc.) and make her a personalized greeting card using a machine. Write her name on it and make it very special. Or, if you are artistic, make your own from scratch! None of these ideas are dependent on money. It’s the thought and effort that she will appreciate anyway. Make it on the back of a napkin and put it under her silverware at dinner. Be creative!

74.
Call Her By a Nickname.
Find a nickname that she likes and call her that. Call her “Angel,” “Darling,” “Honey,” “Sweetheart,” or something else that is meaningful to her and instills value from you. Don’t even play with a name like “chubby,” “stick,” etc! Avoid names like “Old lady.” Although some are culturally acceptable, find something that builds her self-image and is a positive one. And remember, men, what you call her when she is not around still reflects your heart and reflects the honor that is (or is not) present for her!

75.
Tell Her You are Proud of Her.
Regularly write her a note telling her how proud you are of her. Leave it on the bathroom mirror or on the dining room table, under her windshield wiper, etc. Sometimes, even leave it where your children will see it and read how much you love her and are proud of her.

76.
Tell Her How Wonderful She Is.
Tell your friends, especially mutual friends, how wonderful she is—in front of her. Be genuine and real for you! In other words, you may be the kind of husband that would impress your friends just by introducing her! You don’t have to incredibly flatter her to tell others how wonderful you think she is. Be consistent and practice this in private, too.

77.
Send a Note Home Through the Mail.
Receiving a letter is very special to a woman! Send it with a stamp through the postal service. Or, if possible, send her a sweet message via e-mail. Sometimes include special thoughtful items such as a self-designed coupon good for a night of babysitting, a movie or whatever else is important to her. Send it to her even if she is a “homemaker.”

78.
Remember the “Month” Anniversary.
Do this occasionally. For example, if you were married on January 20, 1994, buy her a card with a gift on March 20, 1996 on your 26th-month anniversary! Tell her how special she is and tell her you would do it all over again. Repeat your vows to her. But do this in addition to the yearly one. The yearly ones are very special and important!

79.
Write Her a Poem…
…Using words that you use every day. Make it genuine and expressive of who you are. Tape it on a mirror or dresser when you leave for work. Though you should do this frequently to make a believer of her, you can occasionally frame it. Come on, don’t blow this off. It can be the most meaningful thing you do for her. Give it a try! It doesn’t have to be perfect! And try to be a bit more creative than, “Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you.”