Chapter Seven: Just Because You Love Her

(contents copyright Robert James Vickers. Print out and duplication permission is granted if utilized at no charge.)

Some things really don’t matter. But because she’s your wife and you love her, do them. Just because you love her. Do you need ask more?

177.
Pray.
“God, help me to know how to love my wife and, in every little thing that happens in my relationship, help me to sort through what matters from what doesn’t. Help me to love my wife as ‘Christ loved the church’ and do it for the same reason—just because. I know this pleases you, Father God!”

178.
Don’t Drop Surprises in Front of Others.
Never let her hear that something significant has happened to you or is about to happen to you from a secretary, in a Bible study, at church, on the phone with someone else or with friends. Always tell her directly the very first thing! Choose to spend your life with her first.

179.
Ask and Listen.
Ask her how her day went and then sit and listen attentively. Turn off the television, turn off the radio, put down the newspaper—ask, then listen attentively! Over a period of time, you’ll learn more about her and will really grow to enjoy and appreciate this time.

180.
Call Her Before You Leave Work.
Call her from work before you leave to see if you need to stop at the store for milk, bread or anything.

181.
Allow Her to Comfort You.
Ask her to hold you when you cry, when you feel bad or when you have had a bad day and allow her to wipe your tears.

182.
Read About What Her Make up is Like.
Buy a few books about the sociological, psychological, emotional and physiological differences between men and women. Then, display an understanding of them (See Appendix J).

183.
Don’t Make Her Feel Bad About Money!
Don’t remind her of the disparity of proportion of income contributed to the household. Most men make more money than their wives. But what difference does it really make? Don’t make her feel bad about buying special things for the house, gifts for the kids, her family, her friends, you or something for herself. Don’t pour guilt on her for spending money on something that is important to her.

184.
Learn Ways to Fight Fair.
There are many books out about this. See a marriage counselor together, your pastoral staff or someone who can help you learn ways to discuss issues. Try to avoid words like “always,” “never,” etc. Instead, use “I feel as if…,” or, “I’m angry because…”

185.
Agree to Disagree.
Accept the fact that sometimes the best you can hope for is to “agree to disagree.” Learn to negotiate agreements on how to avoid certain topics. Every couple has these. Don’t feel bad about it. Rather, learn to accept that there are some topics or issues that are too sensitive to discuss without learning some advanced relationship and communication skills. Seek to learn!

186.
Squeeze the Toothpaste the Way
She Likes It Squeezed.

187.
Never Try to Solve Her Situations.
Don’t offer any advice as to how she could fix something at work or at church or with her friend. Support her and help her think of alternatives only if she asks you (then think twice still!).

188.
Walk at Her Pace.
When you go for a walk, slow down or speed up to meet her pace. Hey, if you’re holding her hand or going to be opening the door for her, this is especially critical.

189.
Leave a Note When You Go On an Errand.
When she leaves the house to run an errand and you have to leave, always leave a note. “Honey, I ran to the store and will be right back. I love you! Me.” Do so even if you talked to her about it and she knew you would be leaving.

190.
You Request a Counselor.
When you are struggling through difficult times in the relationship, You suggest seeing a minister/family counselor. Then, ask her who she might have in mind and negotiate someone without demanding. Deal with your pride later. Take the initiative—reach out and request a counselor or pastoral intervention (See Appendix H). Focus on the Family has a great referral service. Most of the others have toll-free numbers, too. Spend time exploring the resources out there!

191.
Help Her with Directions.
Help her to know the directions to her meeting by words that are meaningful to her without making fun of her. We don’t want to leave the wrong impression, but men and women are different. Just different. Men tend to use more words in directions, like: north, south, east, west, mile-marker numbers and more precise measurement because that’s the way men tend to be. Women don’t always use the same reference points as men. So recognize the difference. Try to communicate directions without making her feel like an idiot.

192.
Go with Her to Doctor Appointments.
Go with her for her annual checkup. Go with her for special concerns or x-rays. Ask her to go with you to yours or meet her at the doctor’s office for the kids’. Especially if it is an important one, but even if it is a routine checkup, a physical or something simple…go with her.

193.
Go to Bed Together More Often than Not.
It is inevitable that your schedules will be somewhat conflicting. Some husbands like to go to bed late while some like to go to bed with young children, between 9:00 and 9:30 pm. Some wives like to stay up until midnight and get alot of work completed while kids are in bed. So learn to compromise and meet halfway. But go to bed together as much as possible. Try to lay in bed and talk to her while you are touching her or holding her, and don’t have a sexual agenda all the time!

194.
Let Her Be the “T.V. Sheriff.”
Ask her what television program she would like to watch and let her watch it! Give her the channel changer and allow her to flip channels at her own speed and stop wherever she wants to stop. Practice this often!

195.
Carry in the Groceries.
When she gets home from the store, unload the car for her. If a sack breaks, blow it off. Just pick up the items and the pieces and go on about unloading the car. Regularly offer to go shopping for/with her.

196.
Put Extra Covers on the Bed.
If she mentions how cold she is in bed on a regular basis, put an extra blanket on the bed without asking her. When you get into bed, just unfold your half and don’t complain.

197.
Be a Gentleman on Brisk Nights.
Take off your coat and let her wear it on a brisk evening. Then, don’t act cold. Suck up your gut and love her in this way. Put your arm around her, too.

198.
Call Her Every Single Night
that You are Not Home.
Let her know what you are doing, who you are with, what your day was like, what your plans are, etc. Be sure to give her the message that you miss her and not the mistaken message of “checking-up” or “distrusting” her.

199.
Leave the Light on for Her.
When she is coming home after dark, make sure to leave the porch light, garage light and a light in the house on for her. Then, meet her at the door to welcome her home. Ask her how her day went and then sit and listen.

200.
Make a Sacrifice in Midseason.
Commit to her that, for one weekend, you will not sit and watch anything on television. For best results, make it in the dead-center of the football, basketball or baseball season. And don’t remind her, complain or violate your word of your sacrifice.

201.
Leave for Work Early Without Disturbing Her.
Tell her that you will be especially quiet for one week while you get ready in the morning so that she can sleep. Then, be certain to set out everything that you need the night before so that you don’t have to turn on the light or anything. Then remember to get everything out of the room—shirt, pants, t-shirt, socks, shoes, tie, personal items—and move it all into another room the night before.

202.
Make a Will.
What would happen with your finances if you were to die? If she were to die? If one of the kids were to die? If you and she were both to die at the same time, who would take care of the children and how would they do it? Regularly, talk about it and update the will.

203.
Open the Door for Her.
Open the car door for her every single time you go somewhere with her. Hold the door open when you enter the restaurant. Every door you come to when your wife is with you—open it for her.

204.
Put the Toilet Seat Down when You’re Finished.
Not the cover, the seat. Listen, between us men, it’s just as easy for women to lift it as it is for men to put it down. But, because we love our wives, let’s just agree to do this for them.